


Bittle Birkholtz Brousins

by halfabreath



Series: Bittle Birkholtz Brousins [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, bullet fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 02:39:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfabreath/pseuds/halfabreath
Summary: When Eric Bittle is 8 years old his Aunt Judy marries a Northeasterner named Jacob Birkholtz and suddenly he’s not the weirdest cousin anymore, it’s this gangly 12 year old named Adam who Did Not Want to move to Georgia and now they’re stuck in the same town together.Parts 1-3, as they're posted on Tumblr.





	Bittle Birkholtz Brousins

Part I:

when eric bittle is 8 years old his aunt judy marries a Northeasterner named jacob birkholtz and suddenly he’s not the weirdest cousin anymore, it’s this gangly 12 year old named adam who Did Not Want to move to georgia and now they’re stuck in the same town together

  * yeah, aunt judy is holster’s step mom 
    * this is random but holster’s dad is a pilot and aunt judy is a flight attendant and they have like the cutest dating stories ever
      * their first date was in paris (at the charles de gaulle airport which is actually hell but they tell people it was at a little cafe and don’t mention it happened to be in in terminal 3)
  * so holster and his dad move down to georgia and it’s Awkward because everyone is welcoming but distant because they’re so clearly Different (northern accents, don’t know the family history, Jewish, really don’t care that much about jam [but they learn. oh, do they learn]).
  * suzanne is like so heckin jazzed to have her sister back in the same city so she and judy get together all the time and holster and bitty are forced to hang
    * bitty thinks holster is snarky and obnoxious and holster thinks bitty is too peppy and weird and they’re sitting at the kids table together at thanksgiving and holster is grumpily shoving mashed potatoes in his mouth and bitty can’t believe he’s not even putting GRAVY on them like WHAT is WRONG WITH HIM 
      * meanwhile holster’s just trying to figure out why everyone keeps saying “bless your pea-pickin heart” 
    * coach and holster form a football-based bond where they just sit on the couch next to each other and mumble stats back and forth while they watch the game
      * bitty is jealous because it’s not fair that this stranger relates to his dad better than he does but holster is jealous because bitty’s dad is home every night while his dad is off flying around the world
        * do they bond over their daddy issues?? you fuckin bet
  * holster joins a hockey team and he sees the tail end of bitty’s training with katya because there’s like one ice rink in their town and he’s like so impressed that his tiny strange cousin does ice magic
    * holster becomes peak Team Bitty. he begs to be taught jumps and ice skating moves, he starts doing the mixes for bitty’s routines, they go skating together and race even though bitty always wins 
    * bitty starts doing drills with holster and that’s how he initially gets into hockey
      * he uses holster’s old gear and stick and stuff and it’s all way too big but so so so cute
      * like, tiny baby bitty with his loud cousin watching hockey for the first time and holster’s actually like patiently taking the time to explain everything because bitty is so impressed by the game
  * holster refers to them a brousins (bruh - sinz, brother cousins)
    * they’re the bittle-birkholtz-brousins there’s a lot of alliteration ok 
  * they’re both outsiders in their family and they end up spending half their family gatherings eating a secret pie bitty stashed, listening to one of holster’s playlists on his first generation ipod, gossiping about their entire town
    * bitty is one of the few people holster likes
    * holster is one of the few people who like bitty
  * BITTY AT HOLSTER’S BAR MITZVAH 



 

Part 2: Puberty and Beyond

  * puberty hits holster like a god damn truck. he goes from tall and gangly to taller and gangly to tall and built and eventually he’s the only guy in his high school who can grow a full beard
  * meanwhile puberty seems to miss bitty altogether and he like, grows a littler taller and he has to constantly remind people that  _they’re only 4 years apart, thank you very much_
    * like they go see PG-13 movies together and they get kicked out of the theater because “you can’t bring your kid brother in here” and holster’s so so touched that this random movie attendant thinks they’re biological brothers while he has to hold bitty back 
      * “dude, duuuuuuuude, we’re like, beyond brousins now! we are” holster’s literally tearing up “we’re bros”
      * bitty, kicking and screaming, “I’M THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, ADAM”
      * “like, for real bros”
      * “I CAN LEGALLY SEE THIS MOVIE”
      * “brothers, man.  _brothers_.”
      * “ADAM.”
  * as [@abominableobriens](https://tmblr.co/mqmCJL1QxF6jA5Um3twOIGg) so brilliantly pointed out to me, the Atlanta Thrashers were around from 1999-2011 (they became the Winnipeg Jets) and that’s bitty and holster’s team
    * not their individual favorite teams, but  _their team_
      * they have custom made jerseys that say Brousins on the back
    * watching a Thrashers game is a sacred tradition for them, there’s a special opening ceremony that must be performed, events that have to occur between periods, specific pies that must be consumed, jams that must be listened to, blanket forts that must be erected 
      * it’s actually a rule that you have to say erected instead of built/constructed/made/etc
    * holster becomes 5x grumpier when the sabres play the thrashers because it’s like his two geographical identities physically fighting and bitty has to make him a special North South apple/peach pie just to get him through it
      * note: this tradition continues and no one on SMH can figure out why holster always gets a special “y’all left georgia but we still love you” pie whenever the jets play
  * holster and his dad are actually more religious than bitty and his fam are
    * they go to temple together whenever jacob’s in town, there isn’t a hebrew school in madison so holster does one on one lessons with the rabbi, but judy is still a southern baptist and goes to church whenever suzanne, bitty, and coach do which really isn’t super often but they always go on big holidays
      * holster’s mom is Conservative while his dad is Reform
        * he keeps kosher when he visits his mom’s house and they have really traditional shabbat dinners, just the two of them and adam honestly loves it
        * it’s not uncommon for his dad to be away on shabbat so they celebrate when they’re together and judy totally takes part!! there are some things she can’t do because she’s not jewish and bitty also joins in sometimes
    * a few people have asked if bitty makes holster jewish food and while i think he’s definitely tried i also think it’s important to keep the creation of cultural objects firmly within the agency of whomever is part of that culture, i.e. bitty, as a non-jew, shouldn’t be the authority on jewish food. holster is a jock boi and bitty is a canonically good cook but these dishes are still a part of holster’s identity, not bitty’s, and it seems disingenuous to place anything pertaining to jewish culture under a gentile’s expertise. i hope that makes sense? there was another post i saw floating around that explained this really well if anyone can find it
      * that being said!!! bitty shows holster how to cook in general (techniques, knife skills, why not to leave the burner on, etc) and holster shares recipes and they make stuff together fairly often
        * their hamantashen are the stuff of legends, winners of awards, the first thing to disappear at family gatherings
        * holster often introduces bitty as a Certified Mensch and All Around Upstanding Goy
  * when holster gets his drivers license he and bitty immediately go on Adventures (there’s the one time they go raspberry picking and they both end up stained in red juice and they look like something out of 300 when they return home from the Raspberry War)
  * this is during bitty’s peak figure skating years and he’s always busy training or driving to competitions or working on routines and he’s  _really good_ , like so good it’s almost hard to watch because holster can’t imagine being as good at anything as bitty is at figure skating
    * holster attends pretty much every competition that doesn’t conflict with his own practice/game schedule and gets really into figure skating, to this day he has Very Strong Opinions on the last world championships and has a technical knowledge of the sport
      * he and bitty get very, very into the winter olympics and basically lock themselves in bitty’s basement and watch every ice skating competition and hockey game and scream and throw things at the TV when they’re upset
  * many of you have asked about The Closet Incident, and yeah, it still happened. 
    * bitty was in [7th grade ](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fcheckpleasecomic.com%2Fcomic%2F01-05-01&t=MWJmNTFiNjBiNjQyY2MwYWZiZmU1M2VmZGI2ZWI2NjhhNmY3MzM0MCw5ZUxRS3JXTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A4tilSW3ktdim4s9r8A2QIg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fhalfabreath.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F163384820849%2Fbittle-birkholtz-brousins-part-2-puberty-and&m=1) which by my calculations means that holster was a sophomore in high school so they weren’t in the same school then 
    * BUT adam birkholtz has seven senses (6 is perfect pitch and harmonic mastery) and his 7th is Eric Bittle’s Safety, Happiness and Emotional Preservation and he’s actually the one who tracks bitty down and finds him
      * i’m not saying holster has threatened a 7th grader but holster has  _intimidated_  a few 7th and 8th graders to determine the location of his beloved brousin 
    * bitty still has a physical touch/eventual checking phobia! this was still traumatic as shit! but holster is one of the few large men who bitty is 100% comfortable with, and this is because
      * a. they have a deep emotional bond  ~~forged by years of shit talking their relatives~~
      * b. holster was the one who found him, he’s associated with safety and home and unconditional support
      * c. holster is very, very careful around bitty. he becomes louder so bitty can always hear him coming so he’s not surprised when holster appears behind him, he asks permission to hug him until bitty grants him full hug consent, he’s bitty’s one man defense squad when they’re in a crowd and clears a huge path for him, he picks bitty up from school every day and makes it clear he’s not to be messed with
  * holster spends some holidays back in buffalo with his mom but he and bitty IM each other the entire time and some of bitty’s early youtube videos are actually a Vlog Brothers-esque thing where he’s making videos specifically for holster to watch when he’s away 
    * so yeah, holster’s seen the vlog. he’s been on the vlog. he was the vlog’s first subscriber.  _he wrote the opening jingle for the vlog_
  * holster’s presence does help keep bitty from being bullied in high school, but bitty does have three years without him there after he graduates
    * also the truth is that holster’s not like incredibly popular either? he doesn’t have the social capital to really protect bitty because while he’s on the football team for a bit (because coach really wanted him to be) he’s clearly more invested in hockey and is still a northern jew in a sea of southern WASPs and really he can only protect bitty because of his sheer size
    * that being said holster has definitely fought people on bitty’s behalf but bitty’s actually pretty angry about it and it’s one of the few points of tension in their relationship
  * this is random but Adele’s 21 came out in 2011 and holster fuckin lost it and it’s all they listened to in the car for like two months (i headcanon that adele is to holster as beyonce is to bitty so they’re the only people who understand why an album release can be so incapacitating) 
    * bitty literally has to sit and rub holster’s back while he lays on the ground and sings “don’t you remember” into the carpet
      * i’m sorry but i think that’s one of the funniest things i’ve ever written and if someone drew it i would probably die
  * bitty’s mothering instincts are pretty much honed because of holster
    * sun screen? always has some, because while bitty is revitalized by the sun’s rays holster just gets burned 
      * note: holster spends every summer between the ages of 12-21 sunburned and sweating gratuitously because his body cannot. adjust. to. the. humidity.
    * first aid kit? you never know when you might some band aids - ADAM GET DOWN FROM THAT TELEPHONE POLE HOW ARE YOU SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD I SWEAR
    * snacks? y’all know holster is the inspiration for the term hangry
      * speaking of y’all, holster says it. he does. it just sneaks up on you and when you least expect it, it just comes out of you. now imagine someone with a buffalo accent saying it. hilarious right?? holster’s accent is all over the place
        * and on that note bitty has been known to say holy hell
  * bitty comes out to holster when he’s fourteen and holster’s about to leave to play in juniors (and why does no one in this fandom acknowledge that holster lived in fucking iowa for 2 years????)
    * holster’s just a grumpy jock who doesn’t really know what to do so he just hugs bitty for a long, long time and makes shitty jokes until he breaks down and tells bitty how much he loves him and how his sexuality will never, ever change that
      * he also goes on a rambly tangent about how it’s totally normal for straight guys to think that other men are attractive and that plenty of straight guys (he knows, he’s straight) sometimes think about kissing other guys (but everyone does it, holster knows, because holster is Straight)
        * bitty’s engulfed by holster’s hug but he’s nodding along like…sure…that sounds heterosexual…………………
  * literally one month later holster calls bitty in a Bisexual Panic™ because he just realized he feels something beyond bromance for a guy on his team and he Can’t Deal with this, he really Can’t
    * they “fight” about who has to come out to the family first
      * “eric you realized you were gay like a million years before the great bisexual awakening of 2010”
      * “yeah but you’re older and let’s be honest you’re going to date before i am”
      * “eric bittle birkholtz are you saying you can’t get a man because that is THE MOST RIDICULOUS THE BITTLE-BIRKHOTLZ-BROUSINS ARE THE FINEST SPECIMENS ON ALL SIDES OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE”
        * holster actually comes out to his mom first and it really doesn’t go well so he keeps it v under wraps after that
  * it’s a tough two years for our guys, actually. bitty’s in high school (which we all know was hard for him) and holster’s homesick in juniors, realizing that he’s going to have to make non-NHL life plans
    * there’s a weekend when one of holster’s games and one of bitty’s competitions are in the same random town in Bumfuck, Ohio and they have this loud, joyful reunion in the middle of main street and cause a huge scene (holster almost gets arrested because he’s like throwing bitty into the air and people can’t tell if bitty is happy or angry - he’s both because  _he gets to see holster_  but  _holster is throwing him around)_
    * then samwell shows interest in holster and he pretty much decides to go based on the hockey program alone
  * and suddenly, holster’s at samwell with an amazing new team and a best friend and he gets to play with  _jack zimmermann_ (bitty knows who he is this time around because c’mon, you know holster tried to show him fanfic and had a poster of bad bob on his wall but bitty never became a zimmerfann)
    * meanwhile bitty’s given up figure skating, he’s stuck in high school and his best friend has moved away (again) and suddenly seems to care more about  _Ransom_  and  _Kegsters_  and saying ‘ _swawesome_  than anything else
  * bitty almost doesn’t attend samwell out of spite but when he goes up to visit holster during his senior year he falls in love with the place PLUS he gets to play hockey?? with holster?? which sounds awesome?? or should he say ‘swawesome now???????



 

Part 3: The Samwell Years

  * SMH is not prepared for how soft holster is around bitty. He’s been talking up his cousin for the entire year they’ve known him but honestly they kind of expect him to be his same asshole self? like with a lot of teasing and wrestling and stuff? and yeah he chirps bitty to hell and back but with [this expression on his face](http://68.media.tumblr.com/c0610e36a2ceb8879acd6cbc5c04044e/tumblr_myhzaok7SB1szaospo7_r1_250.jpg)
  * Jack is still an asshole freshman year but this time bitty has holster in his corner and bitty pretty much spends the entire preseason holding holster back 
    * the “we can make a play out of this” is more of holster’s way of saying “you’re still a part of this team and you’re still contributing even though you have this hangup”
    * then jack decides he and bitty are going to do checking clinics and holster, who’s spent weeks trying to figure out how to help, is pretty wary
      * he’s concerned that it’s just going to be jack yelling at bitty at 5am instead of 8am but then he sees that it’s actually working and that bitty is making progress
      * he straight up shovel talks jack though
  * Holster never really got on the dicky train (how has my life lead me to the point where I typed that sentence with my own hands) because in his mind if you love someone you don’t fucking call them dicky so holster’s actually called him eric, brousin, broseph, or bro until he gets to samwell and suddenly bitty is an option
    * Holster LOVES it. He adores nicknames and he immediately switches to bitty and is actually the first to use “bits”
      * it’s at a kegster and he’s drunk and he just kind of. places his hand on bitty’s head in the middle of a party and slurs,  _“i’m really glad you’re with me, bits”_
    * Meanwhile, bitty has kind of a tough time because in his head  _Adam is Adam_ , not holster, and he only begins to use the nickname in like late first semester/early second semester but still switches back when he’s talking about really serious stuff
  * Bitty is kind of wary of ransom at first because he was afraid he was going to steal his best friend but then they quickly settle into the beautiful ransom/holster/bitty dynamic we see in so many of the extras
    * holster is deliriously happy because his two favorite people are bros!! with him!! in a beautiful bro-brousin-holster trifecta of broness!
  * so! many! kegster! shenanigans! holster teaches bitty how to shotgun beer and bitty tries to teach him how to dance. holster is 1000% more likely to carry bitty when he’s drunk and bitty is 100000000% more receptive to it when  _he’s_  drunk so by the end of every kegster bitty is pretty much guaranteed to be found on holster’s shoulders
    * They swoop into afterparties like a majestic, wobbly blonde giant
    * it’s pretty common to see holster wandering around campus at like two am on a friday with bitty clinging to his back
      * they do the dance from Dirty Dancing so many fucking times
  * When bitty gets his concussion holster is beside himself. he feels responsible for bitty on and off the ice and watching bitty tumble down towards the ice when he was a hundred feet away was terrifying
    * [“yes that is holster trying to rip someone’s head off”](http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/93611862242)
      * canon is canon is canon is canon
      * but actually yeah fighting is pretty strictly forbidden in the NCAA so ransom, johnson, and shitty have to wrestle holster back
    * so when you have a concussion you can’t listen to music or watch TV and holster will vault over tables to turn off someone’s music and actually cuts down his binge watching by like 85%
      * he and ransom do reenact portions of movies bitty wants to see (they do a particularly moving version of  _Goon_ ) and he regales bitty with dramatic retellings of the Real Housewives episodes bitty misses
    * during the summer holster and bitty do a lot of training so the fainting isn’t as bad as it is in canon at the beginning of sophomore year
      * [they also do this](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D7TOF1bbqCQI&t=ODBhOThkNzk0ZDI4ZTJlMDdjY2I2ODk2MzRmOGM4Y2I1MGQ5NjU5ZCx0TG5jR2lOVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A4tilSW3ktdim4s9r8A2QIg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fhalfabreath.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F163659441224%2Fbittle-birkholtz-brousins-part-3-the-samwell&m=1)
      * [then they do this](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHVsU-vwUpdM&t=OTNkNDIxMDYzNmFjZGMxNjdlMGU3MTA4MjI0NzI2Y2Y1ZDBiNTAyYyx0TG5jR2lOVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A4tilSW3ktdim4s9r8A2QIg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fhalfabreath.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F163659441224%2Fbittle-birkholtz-brousins-part-3-the-samwell&m=1)
        * i’m dead serious folks this is their summer
  * so N has said something to the effect that holster knew how bitty felt about jack and that’s 1000% more true in this verse because his seventh sense (Eric Bittle’s Safety, Happiness and Emotional Preservation) is activated just after the “never fall for a straight boy” thing
    * he actually thunders down the stairs and flings open bitty’s door while he’s in the middle of filming and lifts him and his desk chair in a crushing hug
  * ok so I mentioned that holster comes out to his mom and it doesn’t go well, and that deeply affects his experience at samwell. essentially his mom acknowledges that he doesn’t have a choice in who he’s attracted to but she does tell him he can choose who he dates and falls in love with and point blank tells him that if he loves and respects her he’ll only choose to date women. so holster does. he doesn’t lie if people ask if he’s bi but no one asks because he’s so clearly a straight jock and then he gets all these new teammates who he KNOWS will accept him but it’s so so hard to come out again because he thought he knew his mom would accept him too and he doesn’t think he can take anything like that happening again so he just doesn’t advertise that he’s bi, makes out with one guy at a party and is racked with guilt even thought he knows he didn’t do anything wrong
    * he actually doesn’t date anyone at all in college and tells his mom he’s just busy with hockey and school
    * and then, on a beautiful winter morning during his junior year of college, a hungover adam holster bittle birkholtz brousin looks at his roommate from across the breakfast table and realizes he’s in love with him and he can’t do a fucking thing about it because 
      * a. ransom is straight and it would ruin their friendship 
      * b. it would kill his mother and those are two people holster can’t bear to lose so he Buries it as deep as it can go 
    * He tells bitty over spring break and they listen to adele and beyoncé and get drunk on rose and let themselves wallow in their unrequited love for a few days. bitty makes a bunch of lopsided cookies and holster spends a lot of time laying facedown on the carpet so both sets of parents know something is up
      * Judy is v worried because her boy isn’t his usual loud dramatic self so she literally makes him a suitcase full of baked goods and preserves to take back with him
  * graduation happens, and holster knows Something Went Down but he’s not sure what and for the first time in his life he just keeps his mouth shut, which is truly the measure of how much he loves bitty
    * then jack visits madison for the 4th of july and holster Knows but he conveniently invites Ransom down the same week to take the pressure/family focus off jack and bitty
      * he calls it the Canadian Invasion and the entire bittle clan is overwhelmed by these two beautiful canadians and their clearly-in-love blond bittle-birkholtz-brousin companions
  * so holster does this thing where if bitty’s really, really upset (and doing the thing where he pretends everything is fine) he actually makes a pie BUT there’s always one thing terribly, terribly wrong with it
    * the first time he did this was after The Closet Incident and he tried to make bitty a blueberry pie but forgot to coat the berries in corn starch and essentially gave bitty a slice of hot blueberry water between two very thick layers of crust and bitty thought it was hilarious
    * this goes one of two ways: 
      * he gives bitty pie and bitty has to guess what’s “wrong” with it. it’s pretty nuanced - he’ll use only allspice instead of cinnamon/cloves/nutmeg or he’ll use half cake flour or once he made bitty a squash pie instead of a pumpkin pie (but that was actually pretty good) 
      * OR bitty comes in when he’s halfway through making the pie and has to quickly improvise to make it decent. for example he once used salt instead of sugar in an apple pie and bitty made it a salted caramel apple pie
        * holster’s favorite pie, blueberry crumble, was actually invented because he messed up the butter/flour ratio of the crust and it didn’t hold together so bitty added stuff to it and made the top a crumble instead of a crust
  * during the first semester of bitty’s junior year holster makes a lot of really fucked up pies
    * some highlights: he puts rum in the crust instead of vodka, he puts orange slices instead of apple slices in (i guess it’s apples and oranges, bits), once he straight up wraps a whole banana bunch (peels and all) in pie crust and bakes it, he tries to make a pong pie that’s beer and ping pong balls 
      * note: ping pong balls are flammable and ransom just barely manages to stop him before he puts it in the oven and kills them all
  * ALSO THE GREAT JAM DEBATE IS LIKE 100000% MORE DRAMATIC
    * this is a smack down drag out bitch fight between suzanne and judy but they’re both southern ladies so it’s done with big fake smiles over luncheons and shit. meanwhile, coach and jacob make a pact to Not Get Involved for the safety of themselves and their marriages 
    * at first holster just loves the drama and thinks the whole thing is hilarious but then he gets dragged in because his mom sees [Tater’s ins](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fcheckpleasecomic.com%2Fcomic%2F03-19-01&t=NzlhMDE1M2Q4MGY2ZTFlODJjYWZhM2M3OWZjMGY5NjVjNTdhNTIxYyx0TG5jR2lOVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A4tilSW3ktdim4s9r8A2QIg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fhalfabreath.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F163659441224%2Fbittle-birkholtz-brousins-part-3-the-samwell&m=1)tagram pic of holster kissing the jam
      * “adam i’m just saying you’ve never reacted to my jam like that”
      * “judy. j. juju beans. hey jude. jay-b.”
        * holster has like forty nicknames for judy ok
      * “don’t you try to butter me up adam birkholtz”
      * “judy you know i love your jam the most. you’re the jam queen”
      * “adam why are you whispering”
      * “he has eyes and ears everywhere”
      * “if you love my jam you’d better shout it from the rooftops and if you don’t you’re never tasting another DROP”
      * “HOW DARE YOU JUDY I AM YOUR SON”
    * then holster goes home over a break that bitty spends with jack and it’s clear that it’s not funny at all to his aunt and mom
      * and look, holster’s ridiculous but once he sees that this is Actually Serious he immediately calls ransom, writes down a timeline of events, and makes a game plan
      * suzanne is mostly just worried about her relationship with bitty because she knows there’s so much he’s not telling her. once judy realizes that it’s not about the jam at all she backs off
        * we don’t know how this resolves itself in canon yet but we. shall. see.




End file.
